Dining Don’ts at Dollywood 

Avoid these common dining mistakes at America’s favorite theme park

In March, at the annual, season-opening celebration with passholders and members of the press, Dolly Parton was joined by Eugene Naughton, Dollywood president, for a scripted “conversation” about the upcoming 40th anniversary season. How do I know it was scripted? Instead of shelling out for one of those politician teleprompter things, they just projected the script onto the back wall of the theater in giant letters.

How else do I know it was scripted? Cuz Dolly kept going off script and throwing old Eugene for a loop. It was funny but also a little bit unfair. Dolly is one of the most radiant personalities the world has ever seen. Eugene? He’s a nice guy and seems to be a very capable theme park president. But he couldn’t think on his feet like Dolly.

When he was discussing the new restaurant at Wilderness Pass, describing the catfish, rotisserie chicken and barbecue that would be on the menu, Parton interrupted.

She asked if that was the new restaurant that was going to be between two of the park’s more famous roller coasters. Dolly opined about the wisdom of having a restaurant with heavy food right between the coasters.

“We’ll be slinging stuff all over the Smoky Mountains,” she said. “We won’t know what came first, the chicken or the catfish.”

Naughton tried to steer her back on track, but she was on a roll.

“Just get on the coaster, we don’t care where you throw up.”

So yes, eating at Dollywood can be an interesting conundrum. There is certainly a lot of delicious rich food. It is also frequently ridiculously hot outside. You’re walking up and down a lot of hills and there are a lot of rides that could potentially make you revisit your last meal in an unpleasant way.

Don’t overdo it

Friends, I have reached a point in my life that if Dolly Parton offers advice, I heed it. There are several delicious places where you can have a wonderfully heavy meal in the park. Aunt Granny’s – one of America’s Top 10 theme park restaurants per USA Today – is one of them. It is also all you care to eat which sounds great. Until you stumble back out into 100+ degree heat index with plans to climb up to Wilderness Pass to ride the Wild Eagle. Regret, thy name is Aunt Granny’s.

It’s better to eat lightly while you’re having your most adventurous time in the park. If you’re going to have a big meal, treat it like the old swimming rule, give yourself 30-45 minutes before jumping on some wild ride. It’s not a bad idea to plan to see a show after so you can digest in comfort and air conditioning. 

Don’t eat at Red’s

It hurts me to say this. I’m a child of the late ’70s and ’80s. From TV reruns to the old Rock and Roll hits on classic radio, we were raised on the pop culture late 50s and early 60s, just the era Red’s is trying to imitate. And they get the vibe’s mostly right. But the food? It’s cafeteria level at best. There are so many better dining options in the park. Don’t waste your time, budget, or taste buds at Red’s.

Take it easy on the sweets

Candy. Ice cream. Baked goods. Cotton Candy. Dollywood is a kingdom made of sugar. While you’re going to burn off those calories walking around in the heat, all of that sugar is going to take its toll. My suggestion? Maybe get an ice cream through the course of your day. But really, save your sweet splurge on the entire thing of Cinnamon Bread, you’re going to want either for breakfast or a midday snack. If you’re going to eat a ton of sugar, you might as well get your money’s worth. 

Don’t go crazy with the cokes

And yes, that’s coke with a lowercase C. For those of you who don’t speak East Tennessee, that’s our generic term for all soda or pop or whatever you call in that far away land you come from. Soda – is that better – is refreshing in the moment, of course. But in the middle of a humid East Tennessee summer, is not going to last long. Water. Sports drinks. These are the things you need to power through a full day at Dollywood. Be judicious in your coke consumption… that’s just a good rule for life, y’all.

Don’t get the catfish

I am perplexed by the idea of going to a massive mountain theme park with hills and heat and humidity and ordering fried catfish. Is fried catfish worse for your constitution than a barbecue platter or a massive turkey leg that looks like it was yanked off a velociraptor? Probably not. But still. Theme park food follows certain traditions.

So, hot dogs? Fries? Nachos? Sweets? Yep. And a lot of theme parks have figured out that barbecue is something that can be prepared well, in mass and served at multiple locations throughout the park or larger complex. Barbecue has become a great theme park food. But catfish? I get that even when it’s fried, it’s a comparatively light meal but it just feels wrong. So, don’t encourage them. 

What is your favorite way to eat when visiting Dollywood? Let us know in the comments!