Things Not To Do on the “Strip” in Pigeon Forge

Top six don’ts on your visit to the busiest road in the Smokies

I wish that the thought had occurred to me when I was younger to keep a little chart of my time on Highway 321 – aka the Great Smoky Mountain Parkway – in Pigeon Forge. Just a little Excel Spreadsheet that I could have kept up with over the years, tracking the percentage of my life that I’ve spent stuck amongst waves of exhaust fumes on that strip of roadway. Would it be weeks or months?

At this point, however, I don’t accumulate as many as I used to as my tolerance for such has waned over the years. I tend to avoid the Strip at all costs during times of peak traffic. 

There is a question of where the Strip itself begins. Is it as you cross the West Prong of the Little River, moving from Sevierville to Pigeon Forge officially? I always felt the strip started a little later, down by the intersection with Teaster Lane as the parkway takes a turn and reveals Pigeon Forge before you in all its glory. 

There are a lot of things to do on the strip. From dining to shopping to coasters to go karts and on to museums with out-of-place theming, you could spend weeks and thousands of dollars on the strip and not get everything done. So, we’re here to help. Here are our suggestions for things not to do on the strip in Pigeon Forge. 

Top six things not to do on the strip in Pigeon Forge

1. Try to sell your classic car

There was a time that the parking lots lining the strip were like the classified pages of a newspaper come to life, especially during Rod Runs. You’d see beautiful cars and trucks in varying degrees of restoration all along the strip. Some people came to enjoy the artistry in steel and combustion on display. Others came to have their prized possessions appreciated. But many of them were there to wheel and deal – in every literal usage of the term.

However, the powers-that-be have cracked down on at least part of this long-standing tradition. Going back at least 10 years, the state has been leaning on local officials to enforce a ban on advertising along the parkway. The land is state owned and leased to the city, which means the state can expect the city to enforce this particular law. 

What that means is, if you have a classic car – or, I suppose, a junker – in a prime spot – you can’t even have a little ‘For Sale’ sign in the window. It’s not that you can’t sell your car, it’s that you can’t put a price or a phone number or a sign that indicates you’re ready to deal up along the road. 

Now, the Rod Runs have two arms. The official Rod Runs are located within the LeConte Center. If you’re within that ticketed event, you’re still free to do as you please – or at least abide by the organizer’s rules. But outside the LeConte Center – where the unofficial Rod Runs take place – the days of parking your car and putting a for sale sign in the window are long gone. 

2. Pick the wrong mini golf course

Mini golf was once a staple of the Pigeon Forge economy. It has been surpassed by mountain coasters and distilleries, but the old mini-golf course remains a viable and popular business model on the strip. The problem? The quality of mini-golf tracks varies wildly along the strip. Some courses were never very good. Somebody just took a small strip of land next to the arcade, pounded out 18 concrete holes, planted a couple of trees and bought some giant rubber dinosaurs and were done with it. Other courses began life as quite nice, but years and decades in the Pigeon Forge elements have left the course worse for wear and in need of massive renovation. However, as long as the courses make money, owners are loathe to shut them down for refurbishment.

What does that mean for you, the consumer? You should 100 percent check out the course before you pay your money. Which courses should be avoided? Speaking in general terms, the courses associated with other, larger activities tend to be afterthoughts. If a place has six go-kart tracks, an arcade and bumper boats or other shenanigans, take your discerning mini-golf course money elsewhere. Look for the places where the mini-golf course is the main source of revenue. Those will be better courses with better theming. Newer courses – like the Sky Pirates and Mermaids – are usually better as well.

3. Pay money for The Jurassic Jungle Boat Ride

We have written many times about the abomination that is the Jurassic Jungle Boat Ride and inevitably, there’s somebody who thinks it would be ironically fun. Like, if the ride is so bad and cheesy that it turns out to be a laughable good time. This isn’t one of those experiences. The ride – which is about 10 minutes in the boat that carries you past a variety of “animatronic” dinosaurs – is one of the most depressing, frustrating experiences of your life.

At nearly $20 for adults and $14 for children 5-11, you will be angry with yourself for spending that much money for such an underwhelming experience. You will think to yourself that it would have been a better use of your time to go to the bank, exchange anywhere from $60 to $100 – depending on how many people are in your family – for rolls of quarters, return to the Jurassic Jungle Boat ride and spend the 10 minutes you would have spent in the boat chucking the quarters into the water and wishing it was a better ride. It would actually be more fun than riding the ride. 

4. Eat at a national chain

I find the number – and frankly the quality – of national chain restaurants on the Pigeon Forge strip, depressing. Why would you spend all of that time and money to come on a Pigeon Forge vacation to eat at the Golden Corral, Denny’s or even the Texas Roadhouse? I will make exception for Mellow Mushroom because I find it to be out-of-the-ordinary chain experience. But the dining scene on the strip and in the surrounding communities has gotten so much better and more interesting. Why wouldn’t you try something you can’t get at home?

5. Go to the Hatfield & McCoy Dinner Feud

I have been on the record that I’m not a big fan of the Pigeon Forge Dinner Show experience. While the shows can be entertaining, I find the meals across the board to be substandard. If they just had the shows and I could go out to dinner before or after, the experience would improve greatly in my estimation.

So, why do I single out the Hatfield and McCoy show? I think it’s the third best among the Pigeon Forge experiences. You’d be better off going to either the Pirates show or Dolly’s Stampede to Hatfield & McCoy which is a little too Hee-Haw humor centric in my view. The meals are essentially the same, so that doesn’t factor in. This is based mostly on the quality of the shows.

In my estimation the Pirates show is best, followed by the Stampede and then a decent break before you get to the Hatfield & McCoy show. Normally, I would take exception to having the Hatfield & McCoy feud – which took place a couple of hundred miles from here – featured in Pigeon Forge. But it’s not like Blackbeard spent a lot of time on the Little Pigeon River or the Titanic sank in Douglas Lake. I guess we just have to adjust to having attractions with little to no connection to the area thriving in the mountains. Looking at you Alcatraz East and Hollywood Wax Museum.

6. Get stuck on The Island

I’m not the world’s biggest fan of The Island. Of course, I know a lot of people love it – and I respect that. But for the most part, The Island is not for me. That isn’t to say there aren’t fun shops and things to do on the Island. It’s just that I feel like the Island brings together a lot of the most cynical aspects of Pigeon Forge culture and is designed to get you on property and keep you there like a Vegas casino or a local grocery store. It’s a little hard to articulate exactly. From one perspective you could look at as convenience, I suppose, a one stop Pigeon Forge experience. But for me, I always feel like I’m being manipulated.

What else do you recommend we avoid on the strip in Pigeon Forge? Let us know in the comments!