These are the 10 commandments of Buc-ee’s, as imagined by a Buc-ee’s superfan
Society doesn’t have rules because of the easy times. Rules are born of chaos, strife or stress. For example, the guy who invented speed limits didn’t come up with them because everyone was driving a serene 55 mph. Society saw the outliers, the speed demons weaving in and out of traffic on balding tires with a single headlight on a cloudless night and said, “Right. Enough of that.”
So what do I like about Buc-ee’s? I like the chaos. I like the size and scale that boggles the mind and leaves sensible people incredulous. But even I recognize that we still must live in a society. We must respect others. Even if they exist on the far edges of reason, the boundaries must still exist. But who sets those boundaries? Who can stand up and draw the line between right and wrong? To stand at the wall and say, “thou shalt or shalt not?” Ok. I’ll do it. Behold, the 10 Buc-ee’s commandments:
1. Thou shall pick up your dog’s poopy
Buc-ee’s isn’t just a good place for humans to do their business. They have areas for our furry friends, too. But if you stop and let your dog do its business, make sure you clean up after it. They deserve to have a nice rest area like the rest of us.
2. Thou shalt not park at a gas pump
Look at a traditional gas station. It is de rigueur to get gas, leave your car at the pump and run in quickly to do your business. If there are lines for the pump, the most conscientious among us will move to a parking spot, but it’s hardly regular behavior. At Buc-ee’s, where there are hundreds of pumps, you would think you could leave your car while you run in quickly. However, it’s the opposite. There is no such thing as running into a Buc-ee’s quickly. There are just too many diversions. Of course, you can typically get in and out of the massive restrooms quickly, but there are so many distractions.
“Is that Buc-ee the mascot? We should get a picture.”
“Why yes, I will sample the pralines”
“Is there fresh brisket on the board?”
At Buc-ee’s, the distractions are the point. Take a couple of minutes and move your car so the next person can fill up and begin their own Buc-ee’s journey.
3. Thou shalt not befoul the bathrooms
In the dark days before Buc-ee’s, I had a reputation for picking the worst gas stations on the interstate. We could pass a dozen exists looking for the most promising spots only to pull over and find a bathroom without locks on the stalls, or that hadn’t been cleaned properly since the Nixon administration. Once, I found a Georgia gas station bathroom that had so many dead geckos lying around you’d have thought they were decorating with them. Now, we live in a Buc-ee’s world where that is no longer a concern. Buc-ee’s bathrooms are clean, spacious and plentiful.
If I hit the lotto, I’m having a Buc-ee’s bathroom built in my mansion. But, we live in a society, and while Buc-ee’s puts a lot of effort into keeping bathrooms cleaned and cared for, we are responsible for our actions. Now, I’m not talking about whatever health situation you might be in. We’ve all had problems. It’s part of being human. But there’s no need to be disgusting. If things get out of hand, do your best to self-remedy the situation and not leave it for a Buc-ee’s attendee to deal with. I don’t want to go too far down a descriptive path, just be clean.
4. Thou shalt not eat the pickled quail eggs
I’m not here to shame anyone. Eat what you like. But, I have a hard time believing the demand for pickled quail eggs is such that massive gas stations around the South must be stocked with them.
5. Thou shall try all the flavors
Buc-ee’s isn’t a singular experience. The Buc-ee’s life is a long-term commitment. We are BFL’s, baby: “Buc-ee’s For Life”. As such, there’s time. Make a plan. Each time you visit Buc-ee’s, you should try something new. For instance, a different flavor of jerky or Beaver Nuggets, or barbecue sauce. The Buc-ee’s life is one of variety. Take your time and try it all. Except for maybe the quail eggs.
6. Thou shalt be patient with Buc-ee’s employees
Buc-ee’s pays relatively well, but it demands a lot. To keep Buc-ee’s running at peak efficiency, it requires a level of buy-in not needed at your typical retail job. I love Buc-ee’s. But a single shift having to yell “Fresh brisket on the board” every 10 minutes would be enough to get to anyone. Buc-ee’s represents beautiful chaos. The employees are the only thing that even gives it a chance to run smoothly. When things break down, or go the way you expected, be patient. I know the road trip ethos is to make good time, but if you’re making a Buc-ee’s stop you’ve already broken that, at least a little. In our Buc-ee’s society, we will be cool to each other.
7. Thou shalt not fight inside Buc-ee’s or in the Buc-ee’s parking lot
From the jockeying for position at the gas pumps and the chaos inside to the confusing queue system for the registers, all of these parts of Buc-ee’s can lead to a condition known as Buc-ee’s rage. If you feel the beginnings of Buc-ee’s rage, separate yourself from the situation. Maybe go get some alone time in one of the spacious bathroom stalls or get a refreshing beverage from the drink fountains and cool off. Remember, escalating Buc-ee’s rage rarely pays off. If you experience someone directing Buc-ee’s rage at you, remain calm and handle it in true Buc-ee’s fashion. Smile kindly, as you would at a dullard. Maybe a, “bless your heart.” And then encourage them to have a better day.
8. Thou shalt not taunt the truckers
Buc-ee’s bans semi-trucks and trailers. It’s not fair. But we understand why. Allowing the big trucks would affect the Buc-ee’s infrastructure. Still, it sucks for the truckers. I have proposed a solution, a trucker-specific Buc-ee’s aka “Truck-ee’s”. Alas, it has not yet caught on. Until that happy day, try to refrain – when on the big highways across the South – to allow your Buc-ee’s giddiness to evolve into trucker taunting.
I once – after a bit of heated exchange with an overnight hauler – considered getting out of the car and doing a Deion Sanders-esque high-step into Buc-ee’s parking lot like an 1800s peasant escaping a vampire by stepping onto the consecrated ground, but I was afraid he wouldn’t get it and I’d just look foolish.
9. Thou shalt not go to sleep
No, there is no Buc-ee’s Freddy Krueger, but Buc-ee’s is not built as a rest area. Stretch your legs, get some gas, do some shopping and get back on the road. That’s the Buc-ee’s model. If you’re looking for a place to rest, the interstates have several places – called rest areas – where you can take a break, even rest your eyes for a minute. But Buc-ee’s is not a place to linger and take up space.
10. Thou shalt not be in a hurry
Look, the point of Buc-ee’s is not a quick pit stop. You can do that at dozens of other gas stations all along the interstate. Buc-ee’s is more than that. It’s an experience. Get out of the car, stretch your legs and explore. Ponder the wonder of a gas station with good barbecue and a Wal-Mart-esque footprint. Ponder the kolaches. Consider the pralines. Explore the retail space. Getting out of the car and inhaling the full Buc-ee’s experience can give a jolt to the spirit. Clear the cobwebs and better prepare you for the next leg of the journey.
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