A Buc-ee’s fanatic imagines what it would be like if Buc-ee’s built a theme park
Now that the Smokies AA baseball team has officially absconded from Kodak to return to Knoxville, the Sevier County entranceway at Exit 407 has a problem. Namely, there’s a gigantic parking lot and a good-sized baseball stadium going to waste. Considering the possibilities, I jokingly suggested a second Buc-ee’s. Forget building a new exit at mile marker 408. I say we just divert westbound traffic to Buc-ee’s A and eastbound traffic to Buc-ee’s B and potential traffic issues melt away. (Again, joking).
But somewhere deep in the fading crevices of my mind, something recognized a granule of an idea. Whatever part of me that was – maybe my inner Bing Bong – kept developing that tiny beaver nugget of an idea buried in my subconscious until it was wrought into something so perfect it could no longer be contained inside a feeble human brain.
“Beaver World!!!” I proclaimed to the heavens, rapturous tears streaming down my face as if for the first time, real beauty had been released into the world. “This is gonna change everything.” And with that, a cultural revolution began to take shape.
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A Buc-ee’s fan imagines a Buc-ee’s theme park
One Buc-ee’s theme park? Oh, my sweet summer children, if only this idea could be contained in a single park. Beaver World isn’t a theme park. It will be its own community, like if Disney operated the weird retirement community in Central Florida called “The Villages” where they don’t let kids spend the night. Entire towns are constructed despite there being perfectly good entire towns just 15 minutes away.
So what would Buc-ee’s World have to offer? Let us count the life-changing grandiosity sparked by a gas station beaver and his nuggets.
1. Wash Mountain
We can’t have a theme park without rides. So what’s our first ride? Wash Mountain. Buc-ee’s are famous the world over for their massive car washes. I take this idea and go further. Based on Disney’s Splash Mountain/Tiana’s Bayou rides, guests will work their way through a magical car wash portal to a fantasy land of anthropomorphic beavers doing Buc-ee’s-related tasks. One beaver is putting fresh brisket on the board. Another beaver is roasting pralines and pecans. That beaver? He’s begging for water after trying some Ghost Pepper Jerky. The whole thing ends with a 50-plunge into a large pond of soapy suds. The best part? There’s no ride vehicle. We just load your car straight in and the thing gets washed throughout the ride.
2. Buc-ee’s Bathroom Escape Room
Escape rooms are all the rage. You pay to get locked into a room and must figure out puzzles to advance your way to the next station. In this version, you’re working your way, stall-to-stall, in one of Buc-ee’s cavernous bathrooms. The only catch? The bathrooms are so nice, clean, spacious and tidy that you might never want to escape.
3. Buc-ee’s Carnival Land
All good theme parks need a section for the kiddos, and Beaver World would be no different. We’d have Beaver-themed flat rides – think like Dumbo or Aladdin’s Flying Carpets in Disney. There would be Buc-ee’s educational programming to learn about smoked brisket and how jerky is made and maybe some animatronic figures of famous Buc-ee’s aficionados like Keith Urban and Lenny Kravitz.
4. Buc-cot
Like Disney World’s EPCOT, Buc-cot will be its own park with a giant geodesic Beaver Nugget dome in the center. Like EPCOT’s original plan, Buc-cot will be all about education and bringing the world together. In EPCOT, various lands have been created like miniature sections of the world so that in the course of an afternoon, you can walk from Canada through England and France. And also see China, Germany and Japan.
Buc-cot would be similar, but instead of offering a chance to experience the various cultures of the world, we’d allow the various cultures of the world to experience Buc-ee’s. Each land would be a Buc-ee’s built in the image of a varying culture. The jerky flavors would reflect culturally relevant options – Schnitzel Jerky in Germany or Escargot Jerky in France. It would be like that old Coca-Cola commercial teaching the world to sing, but it would be Buc-ee’s teaching the world to Buc-ee.
5. Truc-ee’s
Ladies and gentlemen, one of the great injustices of the world is that our truck drivers don’t get to experience Buc-ee’s while they are out delivering our goods on the open road. What’s the solution? Well, we could let them into the regular Buc-ee’s. But no, that’s a terrible idea. Instead, we build a Buc-ee’s just for them. It would be everything a truck driver would want during a long haul. It would have special restrooms with showers, plenty of gas positions just for semis and enough parking where they could stop and rest without having to park all along the side of the road.
6. Buc-ee’s After Dark
Now, we’re ready to go somewhere even Disney has not. Welcome to Buc-ee’s for adults. Open from 1 am to 4:30 am when they start serving breakfast, Buc-ee’s After Dark will be adults-only fun with no questions asked. Well, maybe one question: “Pardon me, but is the brisket on the board?” I’m thinking a Buc-ee’s heated pool, a giant jacuzzi with optional floating, foam Beaver nuggets. Bathing suits will be required, though. This is still a family operation.
And so there you have it, the makings of a paradise the like of which this world is unlikely to ever see. It’s a place where all your Buc-ee’s dreams really do come true.
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