Buc-ee’s Etiquette: You Might Be Annoying Others if You’re Breaking These Rules

Hey, we didn’t make the rules. Actually, we did. Here they are…

Whether it’s your first or 100th time inside a Buc-ee’s, it’s always the same dose of sensory overload. There’s so much to do, so many bathroom stalls, so much to see and eat. It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement and forget that we live in a society.

But Buc-ee’s is a gas station utopia. A place where our society can reach its pinnacle. For it to function properly, we must all set aside the petty indulgences, the irritations and the darker whispers of our collective souls. For Buc-ee’s to be the best it can be, we must be the best we can be. In furtherance of that goal, we have identified three rules to help our Buc-ee’s society function.

Hey, we didn’t make the rules. Actually, we did. Here they are:

1. Don’t park at the gas pumps

Our Buc-ee’s station in Sevier County is currently the second largest. As such, it has many gas pumps. And yet, when we pull in, finding an open gas pump can be difficult. People get frustrated. Tempers flare. Suddenly, you’re pushed out of that Buc-ee’s state of mind.

It’s important to remember that Buc-ee’s is not a regular gas station. Time inside Buc-ee’s operates differently like that water planet Anne Hathaway and Matt McConaughey visit in the movie “Intersteller.” For Anne and Matt, a visit to the planet only takes a few hours. For the poor schmo stuck in orbit, it’s decades. When you go into a Buc-ee’s, you’re Anne and Matt while everyone else outside is the poor schmo orbiting the Buc-ee’s and looking for a gas pump. What can you do? It’s an easy fix. Pump your gas and then go park before you walk inside.

2. Don’t jump the line

This seems like a good tip for anywhere in society, but it is especially important in a Buc-ee’s. The Buc-ee’s queuing system is probably the least developed infrastructure in the store. There are lines of cashiers at all the exits. But at the main exit, there are multiple queues. Inevitably, one of the cashiers will raise their hand and offer to “take whoever is next.” Often, legitimate confusion amongst the Buc-ee’s faithful spreads across multiple lines as to who precisely is next. This can lead to misunderstandings. I’ve witnessed more than one irritable Buc-ee’s customer lose their inner Buc-ee’s joy when a person – apparently inadvertently – skipped the line. Usually, this is adjudicated quickly and all move on, but sometimes not.

Over the summer, I saw a checkout showdown that led to some aggressive young males – filled with jerky and testosterone – inviting each other outside to settle their differences, which just ruined the Buc-ee’s vibe. The only thing worse? I totally landed the “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here, this is a Buc-ee’s” line and they did NOT find it funny.

I weep for the future. Anyway, the best way to avoid this problem? Keep your head on a swivel. If you see someone else angling for the same cashier, do the little head nod, point-at-you, point-at-me quizzically thing. Then, if it escalates from there, offer to rock, paper, scissors for it. If that fails, let them go. It’s a Buc-ee’s. There’s gonna be another spot open in about 45 seconds.

3. Don’t overdo it with the beaver jokes 

Having once been a teenage boy with an overactive sense of humor, I remember what it is to be presented with comedy gold like “Beaver Nuggets” and “Beaver Tail”. As someone who spent a lifetime workshopping that humor, trust me when I say a little goes a long way. And while sometimes we forget we’re not the only person in the world – it’s important that we understand that not everyone finds the beaver jokes as funny as we do. Or as funny as the people who do the Buc-ee’s billboards do. Buc-ee’s is almost theme park adjacent, so it’s important to remember there are probably kids nearby. Keep the beaver jokes to a minimum.

Aren’t there any other Buc-ee’s rules?

Sure, there’s a lot more. In fact, there’s a whole Buc-ee’s bathroom addendum that will fall just short of the Magna Carta in world history once we get the finer details worked out. But, for now, these three – don’t park at the gas pumps, don’t jump the line or overdo the beaver jokes – will get you started on the journey to the Buc-ee’s society of our dreams.

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